Friendship..... HMMMMMMMM....... Let's talk about friendship for a moment. Friendship can be difficult at like age 12. Or 15. Or if you move or switch schools. Or in college when you're really finding your way and deciding the crowd you want to hang with. Girls can be mean. Girls fight below the belt. Girls hold grudges. Girls flip easily. Girls let guys get in the way. Girls are emotional..... Girls are full of drama....Making friends can be easy but keeping them ... especially the good ones, the keepers, can be a bit more challenging. And that's basically how it was for me. It was always easy for me to make friends. I wouldn't say I was shy. I wasn't afraid to go up to someone and introduce myself and start asking about that person. I mean really..... MOST people love to talk about themselves!!! So 90% of the time if you start asking questions you'll quickly find out what that person is all about and if you share any common interests. Or if you need to find a reason to bolt! But as a child, even though there were PLENTY of times I felt alone (especially living out in the country), I always had friends (and plenty of cousins) to spend time with. It seemed the group of girls I went to school lot would get in fights pretty easily, but they blew over soon enough (or not cause remember girls are REALLY good at holding grudges) and it was common for best friend groups to change weekly. But we all needed each other, especially in grade school because there were only 9 girls in my class through junior high. And then in high school that number grew to about 20ish....but it was easier to have good friends in other grades as well because of sports teams or classes where the different grades were together. If I had to give myself a grade for the friends I made and kept and overall feeling like I had genuine friendships (as genuine as teenage girls can be), it we be an A.
Moving into college life changed things a bit. I didn't hang out regularly with a lot of girls that I went to high school with. There were a few, but living on your own in a different city with new classes and new jobs and new activities opens up a whole new world of friendship possibilities. I also wasn't one of those kids who went off to college with a bank account full of comfort and surplus. I had to work as much as I could and pretty much take care of myself. When you are 18 and 19 and 20 and watching your college loans rise pretty steadily and putting in $2 of gas at a time to get yourself to work and counting pennies to pay your next month's rent, you gain a lot (I'll talk about this later) and you lose a lot. I didn't have the luxury of doing fun girl things like going out and shopping and taking trips and spending spring break at the beach. So having one or two friends who understood my limitations because they had them too was a life saver. But because I wasn't a big partier or a member of a sorority, and because I had to survive, when I finally graduated from college it was like a rebirth of sorts. Time to move on, time to slowly dig myself out of my debt and my counting pennies lifestyle, and embrace the idea that maybe, just maybe, I might get to lead a normal adult life.
When I began my teaching career, it was such an exciting time in my life. Not only because of the reasons I already talked about, but suddenly I was surrounded by so many women who had similar interests and similar morals and were just FUN to be around. But they were also mature and level-headed and supportive. I will always cherish those women - I truly think I miss the camaraderie with my fellow teachers more than I miss the kids I taught. And I still enjoy keeping in touch with several of these ladies today, despite the fact that I haven't lived close to or worked with any of them in over 10 years.
Having children (and in my case quitting my job to stay home with my kids) puts friendships into a totally new perspective. Suddenly any free time I had revolved around ..... who am I kidding?? There is no free time! So my friend time including my tag along and suddenly new friends entered the picture.... new friends with babies and then new friends with toddlers.... breast-feeding support groups, other stay at home moms, MOPS group..... friends were a-plenty because new moms and moms to a couple of little people are all just looking for other moms in the same boat - and we are all just trying to keep afloat. And throwing each other life preservers when we find a fellow sleep deprived mother sinking.
Looking back....now after being a mom for almost 15 years..... I still have many women whom I love and adore and can so easily reconnect with when the opportunity presents itself. The problem is geography. Moving hours away from home with two little boys and then- 6 years later -moving states away can really take a toll on friendships. And that has taken a toll on me. Moving has made me realize who my true friends are and what kind of friend is not only important to me, but necessary. It's been a tough journey, one I didn't think I'd have to struggle with as an adult. But it's also taught me a lot about myself. I look forward to sharing more about this in my next 999,999 posts about friendship.
Sunday, October 16, 2016
Friday, October 7, 2016
The "MOMMY is Gonna Take a NAP" Paradox
So yeah. I tried taking a nap today. It's almost become comical. I work out at 6-6:15 every morning most weeks and if you know me at all, you know how difficult that is for me - that getting up before the sun is up thing... Almost impossible. But like anyone else who makes fitness a priority, ya just gotta fit it in. So I've been doing this early morning sweat-fest for many years now. I have had breaks here and there but for the last 2 years of living in the South and discovering Orange Theory Fitness last March, it has definitely because a habit that I love to hate. I'll save that perSpechtive for another post.
Let's get back to that nap humor.... So I'm up early and don't always get to bed when I should (those 8 hours of sleep are just SOOOOOOO hard to come by!) so naturally by the end of the week I feel like a zombie and look forward to the possibility of crawling back in bed on Friday mornings for a little snooze. Friday also happens to be the only day I'm not running a kid somewhere (we homeschool but each of my kids take classes out of the house one or two days a week - and they're at different places - so Mon-Thurs is a bit insane). After my shower and and a little breakfast I quietly tiptoe back into bed as I cherish the quiet house around me. I mean I really feel like a kid on Christmas morning! Today I read my book for awhile because I'm usually physically tired but still pretty awake. After reading for about 15-20 minutes I start to get sleepy and it never fails that just as I'm starting to doze off, the children start finding me..... one....by.....one..... yes, it's never all at once.. It's a good morning kiss and hug and then just get comfy and close my eyes and.... MOM!! Where are you?? Another pitter-patter, good morning, hug (or dog pile on mom).. and then when the 'how did you sleep' and 'I'm just gonna lay here for awhile' conversation is over.. quiet. close my eyes. Then... someone is shaking me and asking to crawl in with me cause she is cold. But first she has to use the bathroom. Ok - I can get a few minutes of shut eye.... nope. she's back and crawling over my head and lying on my shoulder (which is usually sore from my workout) and digging her toes into my calves or thighs ---which REALLY HURTS..... and then ... good.. okay... she's gonna fall back asleep. Quiet. Peaceful. Still body. Her toes aren't in attack mode anymore....dozing......Then seconds later I feel like someone is staring at me and suddenly I open my eyes and there are big eyeballs inches from my head and then... I'M AWAKE! I'M AWAKE because she just scared the endorphins right out of me! Good grief! Don't sneak up on me like that!!! How many times to I have to tell you that?? And now my snuggler is up and hungry so get her food and busy with something and ....Do I even try to crawl back in?? Is it even worth it?? Well the sleep deprived monster in me says HECK YES! So jump back into bed... just start to get comfortable.. heavy eyes... muscles relaxing... ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW???? THE LANDSCAPERS ARE BACK AND ARE TRIMMING THE TREES AND BUSHES RIGHT OUTSIDE MY BEDROOM WINDOW???? CAN THEIR EQUIPMENT BE ANY LOUDER??? I thought they were finished yesterday??!!! If it's not the garbage pick up noise (which lasts forever since they stop and go every 3 seconds and the truck has THE LOUDEST ENGINE possible, especially when one is trying to nap), or the phone ringing, or a child calling, or my heart pounding with irritation....it's something else. So I guess this pipe dream of getting a little nap before I really start my day is not going to happen. Just accept it. Naps aren't for adults anyway, right? Why do I even try? Why do I put myself through the disappointment?? I'd feel better if I didn't even try at all cause not only am I not rested, I'm also irritated!! Well, I'll tell you why. Because I'm a dreamer and I will never give up on the idea of a beautiful nap even if deep down I know I'm just setting myself up for failure. Are naps overrated?? Well they are when they just don't quite ever happen the way you hope. But I'm not a quitter. And, truth be told, I adore the little cozy moments that present themselves when I'm snuggled in bed and I get extra love and affection from the little (or maybe I should say younger cause there are some big 'uns) people in the house. And on my uber-lucky days I get the chance to be almost suffocated (and kneed and elbowed)by my almost 6 foot 1 inch 14 year old son who, despite his moods and his growing independence, still loves to snuggle in his own way and in his own time. And I'll take those moments every.chance.I.can. Because one day I'll be home by myself more than I care to think about, and naps won't seem so important. And I'll then be wishing for just one more snuggle, one more dog pile, one more sweet, irritating, 'makes you feel so needed' "MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Do you ever take naps?? Share your secrets if you do and you are good at them!!!
Let's get back to that nap humor.... So I'm up early and don't always get to bed when I should (those 8 hours of sleep are just SOOOOOOO hard to come by!) so naturally by the end of the week I feel like a zombie and look forward to the possibility of crawling back in bed on Friday mornings for a little snooze. Friday also happens to be the only day I'm not running a kid somewhere (we homeschool but each of my kids take classes out of the house one or two days a week - and they're at different places - so Mon-Thurs is a bit insane). After my shower and and a little breakfast I quietly tiptoe back into bed as I cherish the quiet house around me. I mean I really feel like a kid on Christmas morning! Today I read my book for awhile because I'm usually physically tired but still pretty awake. After reading for about 15-20 minutes I start to get sleepy and it never fails that just as I'm starting to doze off, the children start finding me..... one....by.....one..... yes, it's never all at once.. It's a good morning kiss and hug and then just get comfy and close my eyes and.... MOM!! Where are you?? Another pitter-patter, good morning, hug (or dog pile on mom).. and then when the 'how did you sleep' and 'I'm just gonna lay here for awhile' conversation is over.. quiet. close my eyes. Then... someone is shaking me and asking to crawl in with me cause she is cold. But first she has to use the bathroom. Ok - I can get a few minutes of shut eye.... nope. she's back and crawling over my head and lying on my shoulder (which is usually sore from my workout) and digging her toes into my calves or thighs ---which REALLY HURTS..... and then ... good.. okay... she's gonna fall back asleep. Quiet. Peaceful. Still body. Her toes aren't in attack mode anymore....dozing......Then seconds later I feel like someone is staring at me and suddenly I open my eyes and there are big eyeballs inches from my head and then... I'M AWAKE! I'M AWAKE because she just scared the endorphins right out of me! Good grief! Don't sneak up on me like that!!! How many times to I have to tell you that?? And now my snuggler is up and hungry so get her food and busy with something and ....Do I even try to crawl back in?? Is it even worth it?? Well the sleep deprived monster in me says HECK YES! So jump back into bed... just start to get comfortable.. heavy eyes... muscles relaxing... ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW???? THE LANDSCAPERS ARE BACK AND ARE TRIMMING THE TREES AND BUSHES RIGHT OUTSIDE MY BEDROOM WINDOW???? CAN THEIR EQUIPMENT BE ANY LOUDER??? I thought they were finished yesterday??!!! If it's not the garbage pick up noise (which lasts forever since they stop and go every 3 seconds and the truck has THE LOUDEST ENGINE possible, especially when one is trying to nap), or the phone ringing, or a child calling, or my heart pounding with irritation....it's something else. So I guess this pipe dream of getting a little nap before I really start my day is not going to happen. Just accept it. Naps aren't for adults anyway, right? Why do I even try? Why do I put myself through the disappointment?? I'd feel better if I didn't even try at all cause not only am I not rested, I'm also irritated!! Well, I'll tell you why. Because I'm a dreamer and I will never give up on the idea of a beautiful nap even if deep down I know I'm just setting myself up for failure. Are naps overrated?? Well they are when they just don't quite ever happen the way you hope. But I'm not a quitter. And, truth be told, I adore the little cozy moments that present themselves when I'm snuggled in bed and I get extra love and affection from the little (or maybe I should say younger cause there are some big 'uns) people in the house. And on my uber-lucky days I get the chance to be almost suffocated (and kneed and elbowed)by my almost 6 foot 1 inch 14 year old son who, despite his moods and his growing independence, still loves to snuggle in his own way and in his own time. And I'll take those moments every.chance.I.can. Because one day I'll be home by myself more than I care to think about, and naps won't seem so important. And I'll then be wishing for just one more snuggle, one more dog pile, one more sweet, irritating, 'makes you feel so needed' "MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Do you ever take naps?? Share your secrets if you do and you are good at them!!!
Tuesday, October 4, 2016
Inspired by Little Dreamers
These last few days have brought me much inspiration. The way my kids dive head first into their passions makes me wanna jump in too!! I realize passions and interests change and children especially have much to discover about themselves. But it makes me a little jealous when I see them decide to just go for something even if they are not sure how long their interest will last and they don't sit and overthink with questions like, "Will this be worthwhile? Am I wasting my time? What if I'm wrong??"...
My boys are crazy about basketball but over the last year or two they've really become passionate about the fitness side of sports as well. They want to be healthy, and get their workouts in. They will ask me if I think they've done enough for the week and if I think their time put in means they seem serious about improving and being good shooters and good players. It blows my mind! I'm thinking to myself "You are 14 and 12 and have spent more time in a gym in one week than I did until I hit high school!"
My 11 year old is just like me in that she has innumerable interests... She loves to bake and cook and craft and paint and sew and arrange flowers and make music videos and play volleyball AND..... I don't need to go on... But unlike me, she dives right into these interests as soon as she can. She can come up with anything; find a way to make anything if she really wants to. She will be the ultimate pinterest and etsy girl one day. She inspires me greatly. The other day she was melting old candles to make me a new one in a jar. And she made a butterfly house. And a dry erase kitty wall hanging thingamabob. There is always a brilliant new creation around here because she is a go-getter!! She's not one to wait until tomorrow or next week or when she has all of the details figures out. Nope. Once the flame is lit she starts feeding the fire. And Oh how that inspires me!!
My baby (she's 5) is obsessed with horses. She is ALL IN when it comes to reading about them, coloring pictures of them, pretending to be one, playing with horsey toys, and just yesterday was able to take her first riding lesson. I was in awe watching her on that farm. She was just soaking in every detail.... the dogs, the horses in the pasture, the little pony just waiting for Olivia to mount her, the gates, the barn, the horsey hoof prints in the dirt... her entire being was there in the moment. And I couldn't help but wonder where this love came from. Neither her dad or I come from horse families.... but like any other talent or passion it could just be something she was born with if it doesn't end up being a phase. She told her instructor, "I've been waiting to take riding lessons my whole life!!!" It couldn't be truer.... if only we could all trust and love and be hopeful like children the world would be so much more joyful and pleasant.
But as adults it's so easy to use our busy schedules, our responsibilities and our families as excuses as to why we can't follow our own dreams. At least it is for me!! I know I don't have a ton of time to spend on myself if I want to be the kind of mother and wife that I desire and that my family deserves... but I do have SOME. I think of all of the time in a week that I waste whether is be watching tv, on my phone, making lists, laying around or just time wasted because of how unorganized I am! I believe with certainty that most of us spend our free time doing what we want. If we REALLY want to do something we usually do. So it comes down to priorities. Priorities. For my kids these priorities are obvious. For me.... I'm not sure. I so badly want to immerse my minutes and hours of free time into something meaningful and something that is inspired by who I am. Just me. Something that breathes hope and renewal into my spirit. Something that makes me feel like my baby felt on that horse. Or how my boys are when they had a hard workout. Or the look of pride and accomplishment on my daughter's face when she finally succeeded in baking a delicious batch of macarons after a few fails and much research. They are children and they get it. Life and responsibility hasn't clouded their quest for doing what they love and chasing their dreams. And as their mother, their is no reason on this earth why I shouldn't be following in their footsteps. That's what I'm attempting to do.... find that dream and make it happen!
What dream have you been chasing??
My boys are crazy about basketball but over the last year or two they've really become passionate about the fitness side of sports as well. They want to be healthy, and get their workouts in. They will ask me if I think they've done enough for the week and if I think their time put in means they seem serious about improving and being good shooters and good players. It blows my mind! I'm thinking to myself "You are 14 and 12 and have spent more time in a gym in one week than I did until I hit high school!"
My 11 year old is just like me in that she has innumerable interests... She loves to bake and cook and craft and paint and sew and arrange flowers and make music videos and play volleyball AND..... I don't need to go on... But unlike me, she dives right into these interests as soon as she can. She can come up with anything; find a way to make anything if she really wants to. She will be the ultimate pinterest and etsy girl one day. She inspires me greatly. The other day she was melting old candles to make me a new one in a jar. And she made a butterfly house. And a dry erase kitty wall hanging thingamabob. There is always a brilliant new creation around here because she is a go-getter!! She's not one to wait until tomorrow or next week or when she has all of the details figures out. Nope. Once the flame is lit she starts feeding the fire. And Oh how that inspires me!!
My baby (she's 5) is obsessed with horses. She is ALL IN when it comes to reading about them, coloring pictures of them, pretending to be one, playing with horsey toys, and just yesterday was able to take her first riding lesson. I was in awe watching her on that farm. She was just soaking in every detail.... the dogs, the horses in the pasture, the little pony just waiting for Olivia to mount her, the gates, the barn, the horsey hoof prints in the dirt... her entire being was there in the moment. And I couldn't help but wonder where this love came from. Neither her dad or I come from horse families.... but like any other talent or passion it could just be something she was born with if it doesn't end up being a phase. She told her instructor, "I've been waiting to take riding lessons my whole life!!!" It couldn't be truer.... if only we could all trust and love and be hopeful like children the world would be so much more joyful and pleasant.
But as adults it's so easy to use our busy schedules, our responsibilities and our families as excuses as to why we can't follow our own dreams. At least it is for me!! I know I don't have a ton of time to spend on myself if I want to be the kind of mother and wife that I desire and that my family deserves... but I do have SOME. I think of all of the time in a week that I waste whether is be watching tv, on my phone, making lists, laying around or just time wasted because of how unorganized I am! I believe with certainty that most of us spend our free time doing what we want. If we REALLY want to do something we usually do. So it comes down to priorities. Priorities. For my kids these priorities are obvious. For me.... I'm not sure. I so badly want to immerse my minutes and hours of free time into something meaningful and something that is inspired by who I am. Just me. Something that breathes hope and renewal into my spirit. Something that makes me feel like my baby felt on that horse. Or how my boys are when they had a hard workout. Or the look of pride and accomplishment on my daughter's face when she finally succeeded in baking a delicious batch of macarons after a few fails and much research. They are children and they get it. Life and responsibility hasn't clouded their quest for doing what they love and chasing their dreams. And as their mother, their is no reason on this earth why I shouldn't be following in their footsteps. That's what I'm attempting to do.... find that dream and make it happen!
What dream have you been chasing??
Sunday, October 2, 2016
Let's Try This Again....
I can't decide if I'm meant to "blog" or not.... I've written blog posts before and I've shared pictures and stories of my family since we moved away from Nebraska. I've also enjoyed writing, although I may enjoy reading other people's stories and creativity even more. The extent of my writing lately has been writing notes to my kids, lots of text messages, and the yearly Christmas letter.
So why have I been continually feeling pulled to be a damn blogger?? It's been on my heart and mind for more months and maybe even years than I care to admit! I think part of it is the fact that I love reading blogs myself. I can get sucked into other people's stories so easily and before I know it I feel like I know the author and we should be scheduling our next coffee date. That's probably why I love movies and books and talking with people so much - getting lost in someone else's great story of humanity and walking away with a new perspective, some inspiration, and raw emotion makes me feel alive and so motivated to be a better me.
It is ridiculously easy to get lost in my own day to day routines, especially when my children are around all day and continually needing me for something. And every minute of this is a blessing. But I am telling you - moving on to my 40s really brought on some unfamiliar feelings. Some feelings of vulnerability, desperation, and panic. My oldest child is months away from high school and my youngest child is now 5. Crap!! I no longer have babies and I'm soon to be dealing with drivers and girlfriends and high school schedules and am already dealing with no more babies to rock at night or toddlers to chase around all day.. And here I am... a 40-something year old woman who doesn't have a clue what I will do with my life - after of course these kids are adults themselves. And yes, there are still lots of years to live before I am there. (Unless God has another plan and then I guess my thing will be eternal happiness forever...) But seriously! These years are flying by. They are flying by terribly fast and I'm feeling the pressure of making sure Kari is still there when those years are behind me. I know so many other women have to be in the same position I am in...I know I'm not alone. With billions of people in this world, there is no way I can be alone, even if that's how I feel sometimes. How do we find ourselves in the middle of these magical years of motherhood? How do I find the time and the energy to develop those special talents and interests of mine when I can't even keep my kitchen floor swept?? I'm not sure of the answer yet. But I know that I don't want to be the mom who has no hobbies or interests besides my family when my children are grown! I've been falling asleep for months and months thinking of answers. But 5 minutes here and 10 minutes there don't add up to much good thinking!! So I'm starting with writing. Even if no one reads this, even if no one relates or even is my writing doesn't make any sense, I feel that for now, this is my best avenue to figuring out what my thing is in the life - after wife and mom. I'll start right now with admitting some of the things 'my thing' won't be: science teacher, gardener, artist, decorator, poker player, actress, seamstress, and sadly, professional tennis player.
What is your "thing"?? If you know, please share!! And congratulations on finding it!
So why have I been continually feeling pulled to be a damn blogger?? It's been on my heart and mind for more months and maybe even years than I care to admit! I think part of it is the fact that I love reading blogs myself. I can get sucked into other people's stories so easily and before I know it I feel like I know the author and we should be scheduling our next coffee date. That's probably why I love movies and books and talking with people so much - getting lost in someone else's great story of humanity and walking away with a new perspective, some inspiration, and raw emotion makes me feel alive and so motivated to be a better me.
It is ridiculously easy to get lost in my own day to day routines, especially when my children are around all day and continually needing me for something. And every minute of this is a blessing. But I am telling you - moving on to my 40s really brought on some unfamiliar feelings. Some feelings of vulnerability, desperation, and panic. My oldest child is months away from high school and my youngest child is now 5. Crap!! I no longer have babies and I'm soon to be dealing with drivers and girlfriends and high school schedules and am already dealing with no more babies to rock at night or toddlers to chase around all day.. And here I am... a 40-something year old woman who doesn't have a clue what I will do with my life - after of course these kids are adults themselves. And yes, there are still lots of years to live before I am there. (Unless God has another plan and then I guess my thing will be eternal happiness forever...) But seriously! These years are flying by. They are flying by terribly fast and I'm feeling the pressure of making sure Kari is still there when those years are behind me. I know so many other women have to be in the same position I am in...I know I'm not alone. With billions of people in this world, there is no way I can be alone, even if that's how I feel sometimes. How do we find ourselves in the middle of these magical years of motherhood? How do I find the time and the energy to develop those special talents and interests of mine when I can't even keep my kitchen floor swept?? I'm not sure of the answer yet. But I know that I don't want to be the mom who has no hobbies or interests besides my family when my children are grown! I've been falling asleep for months and months thinking of answers. But 5 minutes here and 10 minutes there don't add up to much good thinking!! So I'm starting with writing. Even if no one reads this, even if no one relates or even is my writing doesn't make any sense, I feel that for now, this is my best avenue to figuring out what my thing is in the life - after wife and mom. I'll start right now with admitting some of the things 'my thing' won't be: science teacher, gardener, artist, decorator, poker player, actress, seamstress, and sadly, professional tennis player.
What is your "thing"?? If you know, please share!! And congratulations on finding it!
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